Thursday, May 21, 2009

Remakes That Never Should Have Been

Johnny over at Freddy in Space wrote about what the best remakes of the last 10 years have been, and that got me thinking about what the worst remakes of the last 10 years have been. And this has led me to a few that I can think of offhand, which I will share right now!

The Omen (2006): As far as atrocities go, this was pretty bad for me. I hold The Omen as one of my all time favorite horror movies, even if it looks a little dated. For me, it's right up there with The Exorcist as one of the most groundbreaking horrors. It's just a great movie. This remake decided to step on the original movie's nuts with a stiletto heel and grind them into the dirt. For starters, Mia Farrow was laughably drugged out and impossible to take as menacing. Secondly, I have an aversion to Julia Stiles (her head is impossibly small and that's disconcerting to me), so that didn't help things. But mostly, the kid that they got to play Damien spent most of his time trying to look intimidating in front of the camera, but just came off as looking constipated. And throwing in the dream sequences with quick cut demons just sucked.

The Fog (2005): John Carpenter did a great film about ghost pirates in the 80s and actually made something that ridiculous seem scary. Then Hollywood got a hold of the rights, slapped the cast of the WB network in front of some cameras, and shot the crap that ensued. I'm not even sure this had a script. It was pretty poorly acted and unfortunately lacked the tension that the first did so well. It was too bad because if this had been done well, it would have shown the effects Carpenter wanted for his original. Instead, it was just another in the line of remakes that will end up being forgotten.

Day of the Dead (2008): I saw this and admittedly, didn't really think it was as bad as it could have been. That being said, it was not even in the same state as a good movie. It was stupidly overwrought with fast zombies that could not only run, but had super strength, intelligence (sometimes), and could climb up walls and ceilings. Plus Nick Cannon is a terrible actor and he was featured in this movie. It was pretty painful at times. And the worst part is that it's a remake of a subpar movie anyway (yeah, I don't like the original). Day of the Dead was a pretty bad movie in my opinion, so to remake it, you really had to screw up to make something worse. Well, congratulations go to the team of this remake because they did it.

Pulse (2006): Yeah, the original was actually pretty good. It's one of many American remakes of J-horror that includes The Ring, The Grudge, Dark Water (another bad remake), and One Missed Call (originally a Miike movie). It's dull and lifeless, with a cast that is pretty bad at acting scared. That's kind of a big thing in horror movies. The ghosts were interestingly done, but not on screen enough. There was no sense of dread in the movie and after having read Stephen King's Cell (one of my all time favorite books, read it now), it just didn't have the impact.

The Eye (2008): Let me say one thing to start with: Jessica Alba is hot. That being said, she is a complete waste of film if she speaks on camera. The original is freaky, well acted, and well shot. The remake is pallid, weakly acted, and shot like your average MTV video. It was an unfortunate thing to have done to one of the best foreign horror films of the last few years. It's also too bad to think that most of the American moviegoers have no idea it was a remake and they think it's just a bad movie. For shame America.

That's all I can think of for now, anyone else have anything to add?

2 comments:

  1. You can add:
    Prom Night - never have I hated a cast more and actually desired for all of them to culled. Absolutely no tension or shocks. The equivalent of a celluloid enema.

    The Wicker Man - curse you Cage, curse you I say.

    The Haunting - The original is a possible the most atmospheric horror movies that is truly disturbing, however the remake is just dull.

    Physco - Why would you? Honestly why would you?

    I could on,but I don't want to bore you so I'll finish with a flurry;
    Village of the Damned, Stepford Wives, The Hitcher, Black Christmas, The Toolbox Murders, The Invasion and finally The Fog.
    I feel better now that's of my chest.
    How about a discussion on the best re-makes?

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  2. I totally agree with you on The Omen and The Fog. The remakes were a disgrace to the fantastic originals. I fortunately haven't seen any other horrible remakes.

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